Friends lost and questions answered

I showed up at the gym pretty psyched for my first workout. I headed to the locker room which was obviously designed by a sadist who stumbled across a great deal on mirrors. I believe in my heart of hearts that gym's should have "before" and "after" locker rooms and that the former should be void of any reflective material. The jabba the hut in the mirror looked way less ready for a workout than the psyched woman that had been bullshitting me from inside my brain on the way into the gym. We all headed out to the exercise room and confidently mounted the elliptical machine. We dismounted said machine exactly three minutes later trying not to cry. I figured I'd get on the treadmill next, after all , it's just walking, right?? Yes, I was right, it was just walking, for the first fifteen minutes anyway. After that I believe it's called punishment. One of the voices in my head (you'll probably meet them all by the time we're through with this) started trying to convince me to bail on this whole undertaking. "Look," she said to me, "that guy over there is staring at you." "He wants to make sure and get out of here before you need mouth to mouth," countered the sane voice. (None of us can stand her) "Are you just going to abandon your friends Fanny, Sara and Ben and Jerry?" crazy voice asked. "You've kept them in business long enough, it's time for them to stand on their own." came the answer. "OK, but what about this~you're a stand up comedian with a great deal of material about being fat. What are you gonna do, just throw all of it away????" To which the sane voice answered, "Even you have to admit that she could lose a good seventy-five pounds before that even becomes an issue!" Boom~I'm off to my happy place. This time it was a lying in a hammock on a tropical island with Kris Kristofferson as he sang "Help Me Make It Through The Night" when suddenly I realize that I've made it through thirty minutes on the treadmill. I don't know which voice won the debate, but as I entered the shower area I got the answer to a question that I'd been pondering for years~NO, I am not the only woman left in America with pubic hair.